Good News - A New Test
Good News — There's a new test for the virus!
A quick and inexpensive test for the Dos Equis Amber Lager Virus is currently being developed by ACDC in conjuction with the The Most Interesting Man in the World, who has recently become The Most Medical Man in the World, just in time to save us all from a scary-looking bright red ball of spikes and prongs.
The new test, the result of many scientists spending many hours with many bottles (and even cans), of Dos Equis, is called the Bio-Organic Gravity-induced Unavailable Sanitizer test (BOGUS).
The test is simple to administer — all you need to do is fill out a form that includes your social security number and all the passwords for your bank accounts. Along with the $99 for the test, you will be required to spit on a quarter, then place the damp quarter in an envelope and with your form.
Your form will be sent to a super clean, brightly lit facility where a scientist in a really white lab coat will spray insect repellent all over your quarter, then toss it into the air. When it lands on your form, the scientist will examine your quarter very closely, helped by the extremely bright lights overhead and determine if it is heads or tails.
If the quarter is tails, you are safe and the test is negative. However, for heads, you HAVE the Dos Equis Virus!!!!! You will need to get another test and quarantine yourself for a few months.
The original prototype of this test was called the ‘Gold Standard’ because it required a large gold coin, preferably from a pirate treasure and possessing supernatural properties, but scientists made the fortunate discovery that even ordinary coins would work.
The advantage of the new BOGUS test is that is only takes a single day and there is a nice lady who will call you with your results. Once you have been tested you can rest assured that you have had the test! You will know if you are positive or negative. If you test negative but think you should be positive, you can always do the test again and see if you get a different result. In fact, you can take this test as many times as you like! (We can really use the quarters, too!) Best of all, you will have the sense of confidence that you have now been tested.
Like previous tests, you can rest assured that the results are completely ambiguous. In fact, you can be deathly ill and get a negative result, or be completely healthy and get a positive result. The best part is that the media has some more numbers to report. And your test results are now part of a national database, along with your social security number and your bank accounts and passwords.
So go get tested! And wear a mask! (But remember, Dos Equis can’t get through your mask — so you might want to try Corona instead!)